My night with Oprah, Julia Roberts, Jack Nicholson…

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AFI AWARDS: MY NIGHT WITH (ALL) THE STARS…

My mind has exploded.

THE GIG was on June 10th 2010. I was asked to perform at the AFI Lifetime Achievement Awards for film director, Mike Nichols. ‘Sounds good’, I thought. Should be fun, plus, Mike Nichols has changed cinematography through his (super) famous movies for decades–and Hollywood came out (en force) to show it’s support. Let’s do this.

THE GAG was to sing ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’, from Monty Python, with Eric Idle, himself. I, with a handful of other tuxedo-clad men, would be planted among the celebs all night waiting for the finale when Idle would ‘randomly encourage’ people to sing along with him. We would all look caught off guard, get up and, of course, join him on stage singing and then go out into the audience to get the crowd going. The audience will figure out it’s staged, laugh and participate and all would be jolly.

It worked like a charm–the people were taken off guard and Idle was funny as hell. But it’s what happened before this finale that was so special–because we were supposed to BE A-list celebs…we were sitting WITH the A-list celebs. It was a once-in-a-lifetime (though hopefully NOT only a once-in-a-lifetime) experience to sit and mingle among Hollywood royalty.

THE PLACE was historic Stage 15 at Sony Pictures Studios in Culver City, CA–the same stage where The Wizard of Oz was filmed.

THE PLAY-BY-PLAY

Robin Williams is standing out like a sore thumb–the only man in the room wearing a white dinner jacket in a room full of black tie. He is telling a joke to his table while dropping the F-bomb liberally.

I walk past him, casually, arriving at my table directly across from him. Now I stand and ‘mingle’ (ie–stare at people) while other guests arrive. It’s probably the only time when everyone is staring at everyone else too making it totally guilt free and less creepy for me to do the same.

Julia Roberts enters and, cliché as it sounds, lights up the room. You know that big Julia laugh? It’s real. All night. She is sitting next to Meryl Streep. They are two tables away from me. Meryl arrives a few minutes later…with Oprah. (I promise this story is real, PS). I can tell they’ve arrived because every camera in the (small) room is around them. Gayle is in tow, who greets Morgan Freeman. They start to make their way to their table with Forest Whitaker and Michael Douglass.

My heart is pounding–it was like Madame Toussauds slept with Walt Disney and this was their litter! It felt like I was seeing something I shouldn’t be seeing–the biggest stars on earth all just hanging out and shooting the shit? Bizarre.

Harrison Ford’s giant diamond earring catches my eye. Who’s he talking to? Short, graying, big nose….ah, Dustin Hoffman. Naturally. Annette Benning and Warren Beaty swing by to give their hugs. What up “D-Hoff!”

A commotion! Oprah and Julia Roberts have found each other and are, clearly, excited. Camera’s go nuts.

Robin Williams is tired of talking, is hungry and starts eating his salad (prepared by Wolfgang Puck–goat cheese caprese….amazing). Following his lead, I sit too–Robin Williams doesn’t give a shit that Oprah and Julia are talking to John Goodman and Candice Bergen! Why should I, right? “Act like an A-lister, Chris,” I say, “A-listers don’t care about other A-listers. Be cool. Just, sit down and eat your fucking salad!”

I sit. Can’t eat.

Shirly MacLaine looks lovely from across the room in a giant turquoise necklace and Elaine May is in a less flashy black. Mary Louise-Parker looks high, per usual…and I like it.

They announce for us to please be seated so the event can begin. The light’s dim. “Ladies and Gentleman, Julia Roberts!” Applause, Applause. Julia, and her giant smile, come out. We all smile too. She’s talking into a mic about 10 feet from my table.

She introduces the man of the night, Mike Nichols, and his wife, Diane Sawyer. They’re seated at the opposite end of the room from the stage where I/Hollywood are sitting so that the cameras will be able to get good shots of Nichols’ reactions.

Julia jokes that its ‘ridiculous’ to talk to him from so far away. The room laughs. I laugh too–”MUAH HAHAHAHA” in my best A-list laugh. “I’m A-list, Julia! See?! I understood your A-list joke! I can do this!” How about “it’s ‘RIDICULOUS’ that I can’t see Mike Nichols and Diane Sawyer clearly because Cher and Giovanni Ribisi’s fat heads are in my sight line! Now THAT’s ridiculous. This is BULLSHIT!”

I digress.

Julia talks fondly of her experiences with Mike making ‘Charlie Wilson’s War’ with Tom Hanks (He was there too) and then a montage of (super) famous clips runs on a movie screen. We ‘ooh and ah.’ It ends on The Graduate.

“Ladies and Gentleman….Simon and Garfunkel!”

“WHAT THE HELL!” I begin to freak out. Robin Williams does too, so I felt it was ok to geek out. Just them, one guitar, and ‘Mrs. Robinson.’ I can’t believe my eyes and ears–Simon AND Garfunkel on stage TOGETHER singing one of the most famous songs in pop history…and I can see the spit coming out of their mouths. (PS–I covered ‘The Sound of Silence’ on my un-released Sony record so this was a big deal to me. I wept internally. I’ll try to get that recording back so you all can hear it someday).

They finish and the room erupts. Duh.

Elaine May, whom I didn’t know, is introduced and makes the speech of the night, in my opinion. She. Was. Hilarious. You need to watch the airing of this show (June 26, 2010 on TV Land) for her speech alone. True comedienne. She left with the only standing ovation of the night, for a guest speech.

Tom Hanks was next. I wouldn’t want to follow Elaine’s speech and neither should have Tom cause he BOMBED. It was amazing. A lot of the night was teleprompted but all these actors want to be funny and improv and cute. Picture this: the huge teleprompter behind Mike Nichols has the speeches rolling for the speakers on stage. Tom Hanks is thinking he’s funny tonight. He goes off script. The teleprompter panics and tries to find him. It’s going UP DOWN UP DOWN UP … PAUSE….UP DOWN UP DOWN trying to catch Hanks on his ramble. Hanks starts to realize his jokes aren’t landing and tries to catch the prompter but, at this point, he is fucked. The show cuts to the screen for another montage. The mic is turned off. Tom Hanks was cut off and he walks off stage pretending to curse the audience because HE knows WE all know what’s just happened. It was an Epic Fail. Hilarious. Tom Hanks is fired.

Dustin Hoffman redeems the night.

We watch a clip of The Graduate–the scene when Dustin Hoffman is in the room with Mrs. Robinson. She takes off her shirt; he grabs her breast awkwardly, panics and turns to bang his head on the wall in shame….

He tells an amazing story that that moment turning and banging his head was improvised. Mike Nichols allowed them to be artists and let scenes evolve organically. Dustin was actually laughing in the moment and turned so Mike wouldn’t see him laughing. He then banged his head to stop laughing. That is the cut Mike used cause it was so real. These were the kinds of stories I heard from the stars mouths. Amazing.

More montages. Someone sneaks in and bumps into our table as an extra seat is brought in. The lights rise. It was Jack Nicholson coming in late after watching the Lakers lose game 4 to Boston on TV. He’s sitting with Dustin Hoffman, Annette Benning and Warren Beatty–who’s turn it is to speak.

He acknowledges Jack’s late arrival and the room chuckles. He then proceeds to give the strangest, least funny speech of the night. I was biting my lip. Who knew Dick Tracey wasn’t funny? At all. He is old, though, soooo…..

Jack Nicholson was next. He speaks with that famous low, growl of a voice that’s been burned into cultural history. He’s about 10 feet away, too. He’s clearly been stress drinking during the Lakers game. He says he wants to insult Mike and begins to talk about how oysters have pearls that have enemies. No one has any clue what he’s talking about. No one. Nicholson thinks it’s funny. Everyone laughs awkwardly. I think it’s awesome.

Harrison Ford continued the awkward speech run and must have eaten 2 lbs of magic mushrooms before his speech. He decided it would be funny to ‘not remember’ any of the movies he apparently did with Mike. He…..talks….so…slow….and confuuuuused. Soooooo chiiiiiilllllllll. Again, no one really knew what the fuck he was talking about either. I remain completely amused to be hearing bizarre stories from Indiana Jones, Dick Tracy and The Joker. It’s all good.

Robin Williams has had enough. These cracked out, not funny speeches are too much. It’s his turn to talk…and he brought the house down! His topic: these shitty, cracked out, not funny speeches. “Jack–what the fuck are you talking about? Pearls? Harrison–whaat? Warren–go to bed!” The room roars in agreement! Robin is King. He goes on being amazing and off the cuff mentioning something about nuns and penises. I can’t remember the order, or context, but it was funny. (PS–He was in The Birdcage which Mike directed–a favorite of mine. Genius. PPS–You like how I call Mike ‘Mike?’ yeah, that’s right. First name basis).

The night is back ON!

Oscar-winner, Emma Thompson, is next. She brings out a box covered in black fabric. She might be drunk but who cares! She was funny as hell–second favorite speech of the night (Robin Williams being third…or maybe tied for 2nd?). Who knew Emma was high-larious? I always think of her as stuffy and British but she proved me wrong.

She started her speech by making fun of how hot the entrée was. (The lobster bisque puff pastry Wolfgang made was REALLY F-ing hot–I burned my mouth on my first, excited bite and, as it turned out, so did Emma! We’re basically friends). She starts reenacting her first bite of the ‘hottest thing she’s eaten, ever’ and the whole room erupts, having had the same experience. (You had to be there to think this was funny but it was).

At this point, I am one of them (in my head). I’m belly laughing. Julia is too. We catch each other’s eye in A-list, hot-food-eating camaraderie. It happens again with some Asian dude across the way at Steven Spielberg’s table. I don’t know who he is but his mouth is burned and he’s laughing too–we are brothers.

She unveils a white box under the black fabric and announces it’s some sort of kit for Mike to deal with the guilt of receiving, yet, another award. Methods of self-punishment including a self-enema pump (with which she offered to help), a whip and a Scottish cook book. Touché. Emma is witty and crafty too; So full of talent and surprises. She exits. Energy is still high.

Natalie Portman stole my heart in ‘Closer’ and she did again during her speech. It was great to see her again since I last saw her–stripping in the movie with pink hair. She looks a little fuller now and has grown her hair out long and light brown. Since we’re probably long lost friends I imagine I should tell her how great she looks after the event but then I remember that it would actually go something like this:

Chris: “Hey, Natalie!” (goes in for the ‘I know you well, friend’ hug)
Natalie: “Who the fuck are you?” (squirms away in ‘I DON’T know you fear, maces me and kicks me in the balls)

Her speech is fine. She reads if from the teleprompter. She thanks Mike for taking out the full nude scenes from Closer. I curse him under my breath.

Mary Louise-Parker is her character in real life–beautiful, aloof and probably high. She definitely had the best sound bite of the night. All the women were giving Mike shit because he was recently quoted saying “Julia, Meryl and my wife are the three women I love.” Mary Louise Parker took issue with the fact that neither of the actresses he ‘loved’ had done any nudity for him in their films–”not even a nipple! And she showed both tits and her LADY TOWN in his films!” Yes–Mary L-P called her ‘va-jay-jay’, ‘Lady Town’…and I just called Mary L-P’s ‘Lady Town’ her ‘va-jay-jay.’ Curious.

Now pushing 3 hours long it’s finally time for the Eric Idle gag. It’s going brilliantly and while I’m singing on stage I’m watching Cher wondering if she thinks this is lame or not. Her face the whole night is frozen in some sort of ‘pleasant look’ so I can’t really tell what emotion she might be emoting. Actually, she is whistling along so, I guess, she likes me…I mean IT. Cher rules–her dress is shiny like ‘Braveheart’ armor. She is ready for combat.

Eric starts down the stairs into the audience, which is my cue to do the same. He stops to have Annette Benning whistle for him.  (play Where’s Waldo with this pic–Warren Beatty, Annette, Cher, Morgan Freeman….the pic to the right is my back on the left corner.  so famous). My plan is to get Julia AND Meryl to dance with me whilst singing Monty Python. Then I predict they’ll put me in both of their upcoming movies and change my life forever. They’ll see the other getting the same idea and get ferociously jealous spurring a catfight involving hair-pulling and nail scratching. I proceed to see if my assumption is correct.

I’m stepping. I’m whistling. I’m snapping. I’m smiling. I’m moseying down the staircase towards J and M. My eye is on the prize. Alert! Alert! My path is obstructed! So many legs and feet in the isles clogging my previously clear route–the route I memorized from dress rehearsal like Tim Robbins did his in The Shawshank Redemption. I must improvise. I step-snap-touch my way left, then right again, left, left, then right–I have a direct line to J & M! I step-snap-touch while whistling into the song’s modulation. I’m on it. Julia’s back is to me and now I see Meryl is no longer at the table! 5ft, 4ft, 3ft….Julia is mine….2ft, 1ft….ABORT! ABORT! Julia’s husband sweeps in for a full-bodied laughter hug. She is guarded like a Disney child-star’s virginity–off limits! I can’t lose beat….I’m step touching further and further away from Julia. I shake it off and try to locate a new target but I’m at the back of the room now and the talent is thinning out! The song is ending and the confetti drops. I hit my high note, which falls ironically on my low point of the evening–my exit.

Smiling, and as instructed, I exit stage left. Exit the room and my A-list life I’ve led for the last 3 hours. “But it feels so good!” I scream inside. “I belong here! Oprah said so!” But, in fact, she didn’t. And I left.

I hear Meryl Streep take the stage and begin her long speech to present the Lifetime Achievement Award to Mike. The real reason we all had gathered was finally here–I was not. As I take off my tuxedo and change into my assless chaps–I mean, jeans–I watch the presentation, in silence, on a back stage monitor.

I am in shock. WTF has just happened? Was it real?

Yes. It was. And though I feel my exit was too soon I know that my entrance is on the horizon. The common theme between ALL the speeches was how long it took for each of them to get their ‘break.’ Many of them got it from Mike–Dustin Hoffman did when he was 29, it turns out. This comforted me as I replaced my plastic tuxedo studs and cufflinks into their rental baggie. My time will come.

As I walked towards the Sony visitor’s parking I had one final encounter.

A long golf cart was loading celebs to be taken to the Sony famous-people’s garage (read: NOT the one I was in). There were not many people around as most had already left. But, while leaning against the outside wall of Stage 15, I watched Meryl Streep, Kevin Spacey and Emma Thompson (all Oscar winners) try to squeeze into the cart. They can’t all fit. They start laughing, like children in a playground, and literally do a Chinese fire drill around the golf cart, which ended like a game of musical chairs–Emma Thompson was the loser…seatless. The solution was something I’ll never forget–instead of only two of them getting seats ALL THREE of them stood on their tip toes off the edge of the cart as if they were hanging from the light post in ‘Singing in the Rain’. “Go Go Go!”, Kevin yelled, and I watched the golf cart, and three screen legends, disappear in the distance.

This cheered me up. I walked back to my car. I was smiling.